Hello Again.

So it has been more than awhile since I have felt like writing. Since getting home I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions busy with family, friends, and putting in way too many hours of work at the mall and not enough at CrossRoads. But as I look back on this year it has been a great one, truely a gift from God.

I was given the oportunity to get a great education and graduated from Trinity Christian College.
I met my newest family members Brooklyn Hope and Nolan Jeffery.
God showed me a new corner of His world when I spent some time in Hawaii.
I've been able to share my faith without persecution (and that is a gift I so often over look).
God challenged me and dove deeper with me into the waters of faith and spirituality.

....just to name a few.

But this year has also been a struggle. I thought I'd be teaching. I thought I'd be living in Hawaii. If you had asked me 6 months ago where I would be and what I'd be doing I promise my answer would not have been "Still iving at home and working two part time jobs." No, but that is ok. I am content. I know I am in a place where God is using me and that is a good feeling. I know my life is not my own and I am happy to give it to God to further His kingdom.

As of late I have had my greatest challenges of the year by far. We are stuggling with a cancer scare my dad got at the dentist just three days ago. When a routine cleaning turned up a red flag of tongue and throat cancer my life came crashing down. Monday was a biopsy and emergency root canal. Today, epidural. We do not know just yet what it is, but God is sure does. I know God has a plan. If it is cancer, God knew it would be before time began. If it is not cancer, He knew this would be a time for us to learn to lean on Him (and not our own understnading). I guess all of this up and down the past few days is what brought me back to this blog. I need to get out my emotions. I need to remind myself that I trust God fully.

My dad is my best friend. We have been through a lot together and without him I am not sure I could have made it thought the past four years. And now with this scare of more illness I worry that the great gift these past 8 years have been with him being here at all are coming to an end. BUT then I remember my God is a BIG God. He is not limited. Not my anything or anyone. His plan for my dad and his life and his health are perfectly planned. I am completly trusting God because He is good and loving and amazing and more than I could imagine or ask for.







"Ever good and precious gift is from above" James 1:17








(Yes, I know this post was all over but it was a reintordution and an update and a release)

Frustration

Lets just get to it. I'm frustrated. I am frustrated with myself. Im frustrated with myself. I am frustrated with everything I'm not doing.

This time four years ago I was in a time of change. I was saying good bye to many and hello to a few. I had high expectations, expectations I didn't live up to, or meet, whichever you prefer. I thought I was moving on and up, following God's plan for my life moving to Hawaii. Well, that didn't last. I do feel like I learned wht God wanted me to and followed His will but I question whether or not I gave up to soon. DId I come home for me or did I come home because it was right and God was calling me back? Right now I just don't know. I don't know anything...at least that is how I feel.

I don't know how or where to get the job I want let alone any job. I don't know why I am still alone. I don't know why I have all these great ideas and goals for my life and I do nothing with or for them.

I do know I want to make a differnce in the world. Or at least I did but right now I am lost. Where do I go from here? What do I do now? I know the answeer is simple, PRAY, but sadly that has been harder than it sounds these days. I know the power of prayer. If nothing else these past few months have taught me the power and importance of prayer yet I sit here writing to myself rather than talking to God. UGH. Frustration. Disapointment.

Experiences

Life is made up of experiences. The places we go. The people we meet. The things we see. But more important than the places and faces are the lessons we take away from them.

It is easy for people to say I have no direction. I do not know what I want out of life. But they are wrong. I know what I want but before going and getting that/it I decided to find myself. I wanted to know who God made me to be. I want to know that God plan for my life take priority to my own (because we all know He usually has plans that are a bit different than our own). As I continue on my journey with my Heavenly Father I am throwing away all the emotional, mental, and physical clutter that has taken too much from me for much too long.

Today I found a quote by Mother Teresa that sums up all these feelings rather well: "I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness." As I wonl with the Lord I know I will not always make the right decisions, I will not always do what other think is best, but I will do what I feel God has set me apat to do.

So to all of those people who think I have failed, who think I just don't know, I do. Because I know I want to follow the Lord and He has a bigger plan for me than I could ever think up or dream of for myself.

These past few weeks...

I sure have learned a lot the past few weeks I have spent in Hawaii. I have learned how to do things such as laundry and cook but more importantly I have leared, or rather, experienced, the great-endless-deep-passionate-ect. love that my Father God has for me. I have spent a lot of time thinking, praying, and reflecting about just how much He loves me and simply put, it amazes me.
As I lay here in my bed I can think of nothing more important, nothing more moving, nothing more remarcable. Earlier the Lord opened my heart, mind, and ears- I heard the song 'I'll stand By You' by the cast of Glees (yes I like Gless) as I was trying to fall asleep. Like never before the lyrics to this great song took on a whole new meaning, it felt as if Jesus was singing these words to me. This is what He wanted me to hear. That is what I needed to hear.

For those of you who do not know the song goes like this....

"Oh, why you look so sad?
The tears are in your eyes, come on and come to me now.
Don't be ashamed to cry.
Let me see you through, 'cause I've seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you, you don't know what to do.
Nothing you confess could make me love you less.

I'll stand by you.
I'll stand by you.
Won't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you.

So if you're mad, get mad.
Don't hold it all inside, come on and talk to me now.
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too, 'cause I'm a lot like you.

When you're standing at the crossroads and don;t know which path to choose let me come along, 'cause even if you're wrong...
I'll stand by you.
I'll stand by you.
Won't let nobody hurt you.
Ill stand by you.

Take me in into your darkest hour and I'll never desert you, I'll stand by you.
Oh, I'll stand by you.
I'll stand by you.'



Amazing, isn't it? I can not describe the comfort I feel when I hear this song and think about Jesus singing it to me. His love is truely something not of this world because it is completley uncomprehensable.

Grandma

Four years ago today I lost the best person I have ever known. I still carry so much saddness from it all.

My grandma was a beautiful person inside and out. Yes, I know everyone says that but she truely was. she had a heart bigger and more loving than you can imagine. She loved me unconditionally. She made me feel special.

Four years ago today she whent home to be with our Father and finally see the Jesus she loved so much. It broke my heart, a break that has yet to heal. Although I know she is in a better place without any of the pain (physical or emotionl) of this world I still wish she was here. I wish she didn't have to go that day. I am always wishing I had more time with her, but that doesn't change anything.

I miss her so much. A part of me, and I am not sure how great or small that part is, still feels a lot of guilt for her passing. It was no accident and I know nothing that happened was my fault but regardless that is how I feel. I should have spent more time with her. I should have done this, I should have done that, maybe then God would have let me keep her here with me a little longer.

But that isn't really how 'it' or HE works is it? I know God's timing is perfect but that doesn't make any of this easier. I often think of how these past four years would have been SO different if she had been here. I guess I just don't think it is fair and I never will. But that is life. That is my life.

Grandma, I miss you so much. A part of me left the day you did. I feel like there is a whole in my heart that always belonged and will always belong to you. I love you. I wish you could be here today.I wish I could have shared my college years with you. I wish I could have told you of all my adventures. I hope you would be proud of me.
I love you,
AJ

Job

So it has been some time since I really let you all know what is going on with me here in Hawaii. So here it goes...

God has answered my prayers and provided me a job (nothing special, just hostessing and a restraunt for now) as well as a cheap-ish bike that makes getting to work easy (and a great workout)! It was not the easiest thing to move out here with no real plan but there is nothing like the feeling of completly putting yourself in God's hand. Nothing can compare to completley trusting God has a plan for your life. My job is nothing special but I like the restraunt and I like the people I work with so I can't (and don't want to) complain. I have also been putting my resume into schools but no openings have come my way. I am crossing my fingers for some subbing time at least!

These past two weeks have been great, exciting, scary, and much much more but that is all I really have for now!

I miss home but I know I am where God wants me right now. I still have a lot to learn here in beautiful Hawaii but I know and I have seen just how good-great-awesome-amazing-and more God really is!!

Update-shmupdate

So I REALLY want to write an update for you all but I am just a bit overwhelmed. Sorry. Info and pics soon! But I will tell you this, God is SOOOOO good. Seriously. He really knows just what I (we) need. Prayer is so powerful, I love it. The end for now

I find it funny

In college writing a paper took all my will power and then some but I have been dying to write and share with you all about what God has been teaching me this summer.

Things have not always been easy. We can all say that. Things haven't been easy since my dad got sick. Things haven'y been easy since my grandma died. Things haven't been easy since I decided to move to Hawaii and have no job. I could go on and on but that is not the point. The point is things haven't been easy but they have been good. I know they have been good because they have all been apart of HIs bigger plan!

As I prepare myself for months away from my family, friends, and church I am leaning on God, on His understanding (like I should have been doing all along but only did when it felt good for me, but that's another story). As I lean on Him and trust in His plan I am learning. I am leanrning hope for tomorrow and patience for today. I can not rush God, nor do I want to. His timing is perfect and I'd really like our timing to start lining up! I am hopeful that tomorrow will bring better and brighter days. I am patient with today as I wait for a job offer in Hawaii. I am hopeful I will find peace in each day. I am learning patience with myself, trying to forgive my failures and learn from my mistakes.

I do not have a job waiting for me in Hawaii but I am stepping out in faith. I know He has called me away from home for this time to do HIs work. I am not worthy to compare myself to the great leaders and founders of our faith but I have to be honest, I see great connections between Moses and myself. I am a terrible writer but here I am sharing this with you because I feel God wants me to. He was not a great speaker but God gave him the words to speak and change Pharo's mind (the most powerful man in the world at the time)! I do not know why I am going and I really do not know where I am going. Moses had no idea what or where this promised land was, but he did know God had set him apart for that purpose and that journey. I know God has set me apart, called me. He knows my name and now it is my time to share His works and the name of HIs beautiful son!

I am also learning the importance of revrant prayer and so I pray for you, my friends and family, and I ask you pray for me as well. I love you all and I want you to be uplifted by Him. I pray you hear His voice calling your name like I have. I ask that you pray for me as I set out on this journey in 15 short days.

Love & Peace

New places. New Faces.

I am so excited to be moving out to Hawaii. However, like anyone else, I have days that I think about this upcoming journey and I get sad. I will miss my dad a lot. I will miss my church and my church family. I will miss my friends(who have become family) and their newest additions to the family. I will miss SURF. I will miss my Sunday School class.

But there are things and people I will not miss. I will not miss leaving behind certain people and certain mistakes. I know everything happens for a reason but what if I am just making it all worse worse? I know it may sound strange to some but I am excited to live in a place where I know exactly 1 person. It is so amazing to me that I get to live in a place where I know exactly 1 person and 1 person knows me.

In other news. I am asking for prayers as I continue looking for a job on the island. I had a lead but the budget cuts a lot of states are making is not making the process an easy one. I trust the Lord. I know He has plans greater than my own or what I could even imagine. I can not wait to see what that is!

Honolulu

"In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed...you said...

You don't know me, you don't eben care, oh yeah
She said,
You don't know me and you don't wear my chains...oh yeah
Essential, yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across an open feild,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry when they see you,
You said,

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said,
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains...oh yeah

She said I think I'll go to {Honolulu}...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think O'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of {Chicago}, I'm tired of the weather....

I think I'll go to {Honolulu}
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer
Some {surf} would be nice...oh yeah

{Honolulu}... where no one knows my name...oh yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah {Honolulu}...
Where no one knows my name


"Boston" by Augustana my way. I hope you liked it.

Just the begining...

So I'm not much of a writer and I really never have been so don't expect greatness from this! I just want to stay in touch and keep all the people that matter to me updated on my life and move to O'ahu!

I am so excited to beging a new chapter...to be a completley cheesy. I am excited to see what God has in store for me down in the Pacific. The sand and surf are rather appealing as well....

p.s. I am a terrible speller. Just thought I'd let you know, be kind.