Experiences

Life is made up of experiences. The places we go. The people we meet. The things we see. But more important than the places and faces are the lessons we take away from them.

It is easy for people to say I have no direction. I do not know what I want out of life. But they are wrong. I know what I want but before going and getting that/it I decided to find myself. I wanted to know who God made me to be. I want to know that God plan for my life take priority to my own (because we all know He usually has plans that are a bit different than our own). As I continue on my journey with my Heavenly Father I am throwing away all the emotional, mental, and physical clutter that has taken too much from me for much too long.

Today I found a quote by Mother Teresa that sums up all these feelings rather well: "I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness." As I wonl with the Lord I know I will not always make the right decisions, I will not always do what other think is best, but I will do what I feel God has set me apat to do.

So to all of those people who think I have failed, who think I just don't know, I do. Because I know I want to follow the Lord and He has a bigger plan for me than I could ever think up or dream of for myself.

These past few weeks...

I sure have learned a lot the past few weeks I have spent in Hawaii. I have learned how to do things such as laundry and cook but more importantly I have leared, or rather, experienced, the great-endless-deep-passionate-ect. love that my Father God has for me. I have spent a lot of time thinking, praying, and reflecting about just how much He loves me and simply put, it amazes me.
As I lay here in my bed I can think of nothing more important, nothing more moving, nothing more remarcable. Earlier the Lord opened my heart, mind, and ears- I heard the song 'I'll stand By You' by the cast of Glees (yes I like Gless) as I was trying to fall asleep. Like never before the lyrics to this great song took on a whole new meaning, it felt as if Jesus was singing these words to me. This is what He wanted me to hear. That is what I needed to hear.

For those of you who do not know the song goes like this....

"Oh, why you look so sad?
The tears are in your eyes, come on and come to me now.
Don't be ashamed to cry.
Let me see you through, 'cause I've seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you, you don't know what to do.
Nothing you confess could make me love you less.

I'll stand by you.
I'll stand by you.
Won't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you.

So if you're mad, get mad.
Don't hold it all inside, come on and talk to me now.
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too, 'cause I'm a lot like you.

When you're standing at the crossroads and don;t know which path to choose let me come along, 'cause even if you're wrong...
I'll stand by you.
I'll stand by you.
Won't let nobody hurt you.
Ill stand by you.

Take me in into your darkest hour and I'll never desert you, I'll stand by you.
Oh, I'll stand by you.
I'll stand by you.'



Amazing, isn't it? I can not describe the comfort I feel when I hear this song and think about Jesus singing it to me. His love is truely something not of this world because it is completley uncomprehensable.

Grandma

Four years ago today I lost the best person I have ever known. I still carry so much saddness from it all.

My grandma was a beautiful person inside and out. Yes, I know everyone says that but she truely was. she had a heart bigger and more loving than you can imagine. She loved me unconditionally. She made me feel special.

Four years ago today she whent home to be with our Father and finally see the Jesus she loved so much. It broke my heart, a break that has yet to heal. Although I know she is in a better place without any of the pain (physical or emotionl) of this world I still wish she was here. I wish she didn't have to go that day. I am always wishing I had more time with her, but that doesn't change anything.

I miss her so much. A part of me, and I am not sure how great or small that part is, still feels a lot of guilt for her passing. It was no accident and I know nothing that happened was my fault but regardless that is how I feel. I should have spent more time with her. I should have done this, I should have done that, maybe then God would have let me keep her here with me a little longer.

But that isn't really how 'it' or HE works is it? I know God's timing is perfect but that doesn't make any of this easier. I often think of how these past four years would have been SO different if she had been here. I guess I just don't think it is fair and I never will. But that is life. That is my life.

Grandma, I miss you so much. A part of me left the day you did. I feel like there is a whole in my heart that always belonged and will always belong to you. I love you. I wish you could be here today.I wish I could have shared my college years with you. I wish I could have told you of all my adventures. I hope you would be proud of me.
I love you,
AJ

Job

So it has been some time since I really let you all know what is going on with me here in Hawaii. So here it goes...

God has answered my prayers and provided me a job (nothing special, just hostessing and a restraunt for now) as well as a cheap-ish bike that makes getting to work easy (and a great workout)! It was not the easiest thing to move out here with no real plan but there is nothing like the feeling of completly putting yourself in God's hand. Nothing can compare to completley trusting God has a plan for your life. My job is nothing special but I like the restraunt and I like the people I work with so I can't (and don't want to) complain. I have also been putting my resume into schools but no openings have come my way. I am crossing my fingers for some subbing time at least!

These past two weeks have been great, exciting, scary, and much much more but that is all I really have for now!

I miss home but I know I am where God wants me right now. I still have a lot to learn here in beautiful Hawaii but I know and I have seen just how good-great-awesome-amazing-and more God really is!!