Grandma

Four years ago today I lost the best person I have ever known. I still carry so much saddness from it all.

My grandma was a beautiful person inside and out. Yes, I know everyone says that but she truely was. she had a heart bigger and more loving than you can imagine. She loved me unconditionally. She made me feel special.

Four years ago today she whent home to be with our Father and finally see the Jesus she loved so much. It broke my heart, a break that has yet to heal. Although I know she is in a better place without any of the pain (physical or emotionl) of this world I still wish she was here. I wish she didn't have to go that day. I am always wishing I had more time with her, but that doesn't change anything.

I miss her so much. A part of me, and I am not sure how great or small that part is, still feels a lot of guilt for her passing. It was no accident and I know nothing that happened was my fault but regardless that is how I feel. I should have spent more time with her. I should have done this, I should have done that, maybe then God would have let me keep her here with me a little longer.

But that isn't really how 'it' or HE works is it? I know God's timing is perfect but that doesn't make any of this easier. I often think of how these past four years would have been SO different if she had been here. I guess I just don't think it is fair and I never will. But that is life. That is my life.

Grandma, I miss you so much. A part of me left the day you did. I feel like there is a whole in my heart that always belonged and will always belong to you. I love you. I wish you could be here today.I wish I could have shared my college years with you. I wish I could have told you of all my adventures. I hope you would be proud of me.
I love you,
AJ